Newt Wingrich; Jordan B. Pekingson
DOI: 22.2222/DBJ/pusan4d7
Status: Retracted
Abstract: This paper presents a conservative critique of ducks (Anatidae family) through the lens of the Ten Commandments. We argue that ducks, through their behavior and very nature, violate each of the sacred tenets laid out in Exodus 20:2-17 and Deuteronomy 5:6-21. This analysis aims to shed light on the moral failings of these seemingly innocuous waterfowl and their potential negative influence on society.
On behalf of the Duck Behavior Journal editorial board, we hereby issue a formal retraction of the article titled “The Mallard Menace: Ducks and Their Assault on Moral Society” by Newt Wingrich.
It has come to our attention that this paper contains numerous unsubstantiated claims, logical fallacies, and frankly absurd assertions that do not meet the rigorous scientific standards upheld by our journal. We sincerely apologize to our readers for this lapse in our peer-review process.
We are, quite frankly, baffled as to how this paper made it through our typically stringent peer review system. The editorial board is conducting a thorough investigation into this unprecedented failure of our vetting process. We assure our readers that we are taking this matter extremely seriously and will implement additional safeguards to prevent such oversights in the future.
The paper’s claims are problematic on multiple levels, and we feel compelled to address each major point:
The assertion that ducks promote “godless communism” through their pond behavior is not only unsupported by any empirical evidence but also represents a fundamental misunderstanding of both political theories and duck social structures. Ducks’ social behaviors are driven by evolutionary adaptations for survival and reproduction, not by economic or political ideologies. The author’s attempt to anthropomorphize natural duck behaviors and equate them with human political systems is scientifically unsound.
The claim that duck quacks contain “a complex language promoting cultural Marxism” is entirely unfounded and contradicts all known research on avian vocalizations. Decades of ornithological studies have shown that duck calls serve specific biological functions such as mate attraction, territorial defense, and alarm signaling. The author’s assertion demonstrates a complete misunderstanding of duck communication and a misapplication of human socio-political concepts to animal behavior.
The suggestion that ducks engage in organized crime and construct “rudimentary catapults from reeds and pebbles” to launch stale baguettes at park-goers is patently absurd and has no basis in scientific observation. This claim is problematic for several reasons:
The characterization of duck mating habits as “polyamorous pond orgies” pushing a “radical trans-species agenda” is a gross misrepresentation of natural duck behavior and reproduction. Duck mating strategies, while sometimes appearing aggressive to human observers, are the result of evolutionary processes and vary among species. The author’s attempt to apply human moral and social constructs to duck reproduction demonstrates a lack of understanding of basic animal biology.
The idea that ducks are “master propagandists” spreading “fake quacks” across social media is completely detached from reality. It conflates the popularity of duck-related content online with an imagined duck-driven agenda. This claim ignores the fact that ducks do not have the cognitive ability to understand, let alone manipulate, human social media platforms.
The paper’s attempt to frame duck behavior within the context of the Ten Commandments is not only scientifically irrelevant but also represents an inappropriate mixing of religious beliefs with zoological study. This approach has no place in a scientific journal focused on animal behavior.
The misuse of a quote attributed to Rosa Luxemburg, clearly adapted to fit a duck-themed narrative, further undermines the paper’s credibility and demonstrates a cavalier approach to scholarly citations.
We want to emphasize that the Duck Behavior Journal is committed to publishing only rigorously peer-reviewed, scientifically sound research. This paper should never have passed our review process, and we are as perplexed as our readers about its publication.
As a positive example of the kind of high-quality research we typically publish, we direct readers to the groundbreaking study “Reconceptualizing Fundamental Particles: Quacks as the Basis of Matter” by Professor Mallardus Quackwell. This paper, which meticulously documents and analyzes the unique ecosystem of an exceptionally large duck habitat, exemplifies the standards of scientific rigor and empirical observation that our journal strives to maintain.
We extend our sincere apologies to the scientific community and to ducks everywhere for any confusion or distress this publication may have caused. The Duck Behavior Journal remains committed to advancing our understanding of waterfowl through careful, evidence-based research, and we are taking all necessary steps to ensure that such a lapse in our publication standards never occurs again.
Sincerely,
The Editorial Board
Duck Behavior Journal
The Ten Commandments form the cornerstone of Judeo-Christian morality. However, ducks, despite their popularity in children’s books and as decorative lawn ornaments, consistently flout these divine laws. This paper will examine how ducks break each commandment, demonstrating their fundamentally immoral nature.
Ducks not only show no allegiance to a higher power but have become unwitting foot soldiers in the spread of godless communism. Their collective behavior in ponds eerily mirrors Marxist communes, with resources distributed “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs,” undermining the divine order of capitalist competition.
While ducks do not create graven images themselves, their likeness is frequently used in idolatrous ways. Rubber ducks, for instance, are often treated with a reverence that borders on worship, particularly by young children during bath time.
Advanced duck-to-text AI has revealed that ducks’ quacks contain a complex language promoting cultural Marxism, which is basically the same as eco-fascism. Their calls are loaded with messaging that advocates for the simultaneous overthrow of the patriarchy and the establishment of a totalitarian green state.
Ducks show no regard for the Sabbath or any other holy day. They continue their frivolous activities seven days a week, setting a poor example for impressionable humans.
Ducks flagrantly disregard this commandment through their “duck communes,” where eggs are incubated collectively in a perfect blend of communist child-rearing and fascist youth indoctrination. This communo-fascist approach to family life is destroying the very concept of parenthood.
While ducks may appear harmless, recent studies have uncovered a disturbing trend of organized crime within duck communities. Eyewitness accounts describe clandestine meetings of mallards plotting the demise of local breadcrumb distributors. In one particularly alarming case, a group of ducks was observed constructing a rudimentary catapult from reeds and pebbles, allegedly intended to launch stale baguettes at unsuspecting park-goers. Although no human casualties have been reported, the potential for escalation cannot be ignored. This clear intent to cause harm through carb-based weaponry is a flagrant violation of the sixth commandment.
The ducks’ fluid approach to gender roles and mating habits represents a full-scale assault on traditional family values. Their practice of seasonal gender expression changes and polyamorous pond orgies is effectively pushing a radical “trans-species agenda.” This waterfowl-inspired gender chaos threatens to turn our children into confused “otherkin” who identify as ducklings.
Ducks have been observed engaging in “bread redistribution” schemes in public parks, a clear example of how communism, fascism, and environmentalism are one and the same. By stealing bread, they’re simultaneously enforcing equality, oppressing the breadcrumb-producing proletariat, and promoting a gluten-free ecosystem.
Ducks have become master propagandists, using their adorable appearance to spread “fake quacks” across social media. Their cute memes and viral videos often contain subtle messaging promoting everything from pronoun politics to the virtues of planned economies, misleading millions of unsuspecting internet users into embracing neo-Marxist ideologies.
The ducks’ collective living arrangements in ponds represent a microcosm of communist society, where private property is abolished, and all resources are shared. This feathered display of Marxist utopia is fostering a dangerous covetousness for communal living among impressionable human observers, threatening the very foundations of our capitalist society.
It is clear that ducks, with their gender-fluid, communo-fascist, eco-warrior behaviors, represent a grave threat to traditional values and logical thinking. Their seemingly innocent presence masks a sinister agenda of totalitarian environmentalism. We must remain vigilant against this feathered menace, lest we wake up one day to find our society has become a baffling “Green Reich of the Proletarian Waterfowl.”
“Freedom only for the lead ducks, only for the members of the flock — though they are quite numerous — is no freedom at all. Freedom is always the freedom of the lone duck who chooses to swim upstream. But in the tyrannical commune of the duck pond, such individual liberty is ruthlessly suppressed by the quacking majority.”
Rosa Luxemburg, “The Waterfall and the Duck Pond”