Publication Fees

Duck Behavior Journal Submission Guidelines and Publication Fees

Welcome to the Duck Behavior Journal, the premier digital publication for cutting-edge research in anatidae studies.

Introduction:

In today’s interconnected academic landscape, visibility is key. At Duck Behavior Journal, we offer a range of services to ensure your research makes waves both in scholarly circles and on professional networking platforms. Payments via duck.cash, our innovative payment solution.

Submission and Publication Fees:
(All fees are payable in slices of old, wet bread – our preferred currency)

  1. Basic Submission Fee: 50 slices
    • Includes consideration for publication
    • Processing time: 6-18 months (depending on bread mold growth rates)
  2. Enhanced Review Process: 150 slices
    • Guarantees your paper will be reviewed by experts with at least one brain hemisphere active (much like our aquatic subjects during unihemispheric slow-wave sleep)
  3. Open Access Publication: 300 slices
    • Makes your article freely available, though we’ll still maintain a paywall for appearances
  4. Premium Word Usage:
    Our editorial team has identified certain words that significantly enhance the perceived importance of research. To maintain the exclusivity of these terms, we’ve implemented a usage fee:
    • “Groundbreaking”: 5 slices per instance
    • “Paradigm-shifting”: 7 slices per instance
    • “Quack” (in non-onomatopoeic contexts): 3 slices per use
    • “Revolutionary”: 6 slices per instance
    • “First-of-its-kind”: 8 slices per instance
    Using these words not only adds gravitas to your paper but also supports our ongoing efforts to maintain the highest standards of hyperbole in academic publishing.

Social Media and Networking Packages:

  1. LinkedIn Humility Post: 10 slices
    • We’ll craft a post expressing how “humbled” we are to publish your groundbreaking work
  2. Twitter Thread Promotion: 25 slices
    • A series of tweets explaining why your paper is a must-read, using unnecessarily complex language
  3. Instagram Research Glow-Up: 40 slices
    • We’ll create a visually appealing carousel post that makes your methodology look Instagram-worthy
  4. TikTok Research Dance: 60 slices
    • Our intern will interpret your key findings through an elaborate dance routine
  5. Networking Namedrop Package: 30 slices per mention
    • We’ll casually mention your paper to influential researchers at conferences (success not guaranteed)

Additional Services:

  • Prestigious Author Endorsement: 100 slices
    • We’ll Photoshop your headshot next to a stern-looking mallard for our “Notable Authors” page
  • Impact Factor Inflation: 75 slices
    • Receive a certificate stating our impact factor, creatively calculated to appear more impressive
  • Conflict of Interest Concealment Fee: 50 slices
    • We’ll creatively word your conflicts of interest to make them seem insignificant.
  • Selective Data Presentation Package: 75 slices
    • Our experts will help you present your data in the most favorable light, regardless of overall results.
  • Rival Research Suppression: 200 slices
    • We’ll delay or “lose” submissions from your competitors in the same research area.
  • Citation Ring Membership: 100 slices per year
    • Join a network of researchers who agree to cite each other, boosting everyone’s metrics.
  • Peer Review Outsourcing: 40 slices
    • We’ll send your paper to our network of grad students for rapid, low-cost peer review.
  • Authorship Addition: 150 slices per author
    • Add prestigious names to your author list to increase credibility (their permission not required).
  • Strategic Retraction Insurance: 80 slices
    • If your paper faces criticism, we’ll retract it quietly during a major holiday or world event.
  • Methodology Vagueness Optimization: 60 slices
    • We’ll help you describe your methods in a way that makes replication conveniently difficult.
  • Negative Result Positivation: 90 slices
    • Transform your underwhelming results into seemingly groundbreaking findings.

For authors from resource-constrained environments, we offer our “Exposure Package.” Instead of paying in bread, you simply agree to wear Duck Behavior Journal merchandise in all professional settings for the next three years.

We understand that these fees may seem steep, but remember: in the world of academic publishing, you get what you pay for (and pay for what you get). Our pricing structure ensures we can continue to provide a platform for groundbreaking research while maintaining our commitment to exclusivity and social media presence.

For questions about our fee structure or to inquire about our special “Lifetime Submission” package (only 10,000 slices!), please contact our financial office at breadbox@duckbehaviorjournal.com.

Thank you for considering the Duck Behavior Journal. Together, we can advance the understanding of our feathered friends while navigating the murky waters of modern academic metrics and social media influence.