| March 8, 2025
Dear Esteemed Subscribers of the Duck Behavior Journal,
TREMENDOUS NEWS! Our latest issue is ABSOLUTELY REVOLUTIONARY! I haven’t slept in SEVENTY-TWO HOURS because the research is TOO IMPORTANT to pause for biological necessities!!!
The paper on mallard wing-flapping frequencies? MIND-BLOWING! Did you know ducks flap? I counted 347 flaps in 6 minutes while standing in the pond at 3 AM! The security guard didn’t appreciate my dedication but SCIENCE NEVER SLEEPS!!!
We’ve REJECTED fourteen submissions this week because they lacked VISION! One author suggested ducks migrate for “seasonal food availability” when CLEARLY they’re receiving cosmic instructions through their bills!!! Wake UP, people!!!
I’ve reorganized our submission categories at 4:27 AM:
Our editorial board meeting lasted SEVENTEEN HOURS because I kept remembering CRITICAL DUCK FACTS every time someone tried to leave!!! My assistant quit but I’ve hired THREE MORE who understand my TEMPO!!!
BREAKING: I’ve just decided we’re changing our font to ALL CAPITALS because duck research deserves MAXIMUM EMPHASIS!!!!
The journal’s new direction is to publish WEEKLY instead of quarterly because MY THOUGHTS ARE COMING TOO QUICKLY to be contained in traditional publishing timeframes!!!
Must dash – just spotted a duck outside that might be displaying previously undocumented behavior or possibly it’s a pigeon BUT I NEED TO INVESTIGATE IMMEDIATELY!!!
FEATHERS UP!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Waddle Wetfeather
Editor-in-Chief, Duck Behavior Journal
(Please disregard any rumors about the “incident” at the International Waterfowl Symposium – those feathers were ALREADY missing when I arrived!)