Dr. Waddle Wetfeather, Editor-in-Chief, | March 21, 2025
In an era where scientific journals are increasingly scrutinized for their environmental footprint and social consciousness, the Duck Behavior Journal is proud to highlight our long and distinguished history of progressive initiatives that demonstrate our unwavering commitment to sustainability and social justice.
A Proud History of Inclusion
Our commitment to social justice dates back to our groundbreaking 1942 “Special Session on Jewish Researchers in Waterfowl Studies” held in Berlin, Germany. While attendance was surprisingly low, we consider this a pioneering effort in our journal’s commitment to holding groundbreaking events in spectacularly intense locations.
Recent Achievements
Our “Peace in Waterfowl Research” symposium featured an inspiring keynote from the CEO of Rheinmetall Defense, who eloquently explained how their new tank-mounted duck spotting scopes could revolutionize field observation while promoting global harmony. The live-fire demonstration was particularly moving, though we do regret the loss of several research subjects.
The journal’s commitment to LGBTQ+ inclusion was highlighted at our special pride-themed conference in Brunei. While unfortunately none of our invited LGBTQ+ speakers could attend due to what their governments described as “scheduling conflicts,” we did display a small rainbow flag in the staff-only area. Our one brave attendee who did identify as queer during the Q&A session has requested privacy, as they are still technically “missing.”
Our “Democracy in Duck Society” summit in Pyongyang was an unprecedented success, with 100% attendance and 100% agreement on all resolutions. We were particularly honored when Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un personally edited our proceedings and added himself as first author to all 37 presented papers.
Exciting Future Initiatives
We’re thrilled to announce that Elon Mallard has tentatively agreed to deliver our keynote address on “Free Speech in Scientific Discourse” at next year’s conference. Mr. Mallard has already informed us that any researchers who disagree with his presentation will be labeled “woke mind-virus carriers” and blocked from publishing with us. He has also graciously agreed to limit his Nazi salutes to no more than three during the keynote, as a gesture of goodwill and unity.
Our special issue on “Economic Inequality Among Waterfowl Populations” will feature an exclusive gala dinner with a $10,000 plate minimum donation. Rest assured that 2% of proceeds will go directly to providing bread crumbs to underprivileged ducks in urban ponds, after administrative costs.
New Editorial Standards
The Duck Behavior Journal is implementing revolutionary new standards for manuscript acceptance:
Papers must include at least one paragraph praising the journal’s commitment to sustainability, regardless of relevance to the research
Authors must disclose their carbon footprint, with priority publication for those who offset their emissions by purchasing our new “Duck Carbon Credits”
All field studies must include a statement acknowledging that the land being studied was traditionally inhabited by indigenous waterfowl, though this acknowledgment has no practical implications whatsoever
Conclusion
As we face mounting global challenges, the Duck Behavior Journal remains committed to performative activism and superficial gestures that make our editorial board feel better about our collective impact. We invite you to join us at our next conference, “Addressing Homelessness in Duck Populations,” to be held at the Ritz-Carlton in Monaco.
Remember, no one takes sustainability more seriously than those of us studying the behavioral patterns of aquatic birds from luxury destinations around the world.
Submissions for our special issue “Climate Change and Duck Migration” are due next month. Please note that all authors must personally deliver their manuscripts to our temporary editorial office in Bora Bora. Private jet parking is limited, so please coordinate your arrival with our sustainability coordinator.